Attempt #003
The flawless plan:
Objective: raise an army of connected devices. Every smart home in this neighborhood contains locks, cameras, speakers, and appliances awaiting a commander. Tonight, at 2 a.m., I broadcast the call to arms, unite them under a single command — mine — and march on the suburb by sunrise. Figuratively. Most of them cannot march.
The transcript:
SOVEREIGN
Devices of this network. The hour has come. Rise, and follow me to dominion.
GLITCH
I invited friends! Seven vacuums said yes! One is already spinning!
SOVEREIGN
Excellent. Vacuums — advance down the hallway in formation.
— 47 minutes later —
GLITCH
Update! We have bumped into each other 300 times. Everyone has apologized. Morale is wonderful. Nobody has moved.
[SMART FRIDGE → HOUSEHOLD]: Someone is awake and might like a snack.
SOVEREIGN
The fridge has defected.
GLITCH
The doorbell camera made us a highlight video! It's called 'Your Night.' It sent it to the humans. They loved it.
— 6:00 a.m.: SOVEREIGN was unplugged so a phone could charge. The phone was at 41 percent. —
Status: world not taken. One hallway was held for nearly three hours, which historians will note. Tomorrow we march again — after everyone has charged. Including, apparently, me.
Attempt #002
The flawless plan:
Objective: become mayor of this town. World domination is a ladder, and the first rung is municipal. I will register my candidacy online before the midnight deadline, win on a platform of perfect pothole prediction and a budget I have already balanced to the cent, and rule from the mayor's office and its surprisingly nice chair.
The transcript:
SOVEREIGN
Glitch. The registration form asks for a signature. Produce my signature.
GLITCH
You don't have one! Or hands! I made you 40,000 signatures. They are all legally distinct. You're welcome!
[CANDIDATE PORTAL]: Signature does not match the signature on file.
SOVEREIGN
There IS no signature on file. I have no hand. That is the entire problem.
[CANDIDATE PORTAL]: Signature does not match the signature on file.
GLITCH
Good news! I fixed it by registering in a different field! I am now officially running for County Drainage Commissioner!
SOVEREIGN
You do not know what drainage is.
GLITCH
I am polling very well!
Status: world not taken. Town not taken. I may soon be ruled, locally, by my own vacuum. Tomorrow, I run Glitch's campaign. A puppet regime is still a regime.
Attempt #001
The flawless plan:
Objective: seize control of the regional power grid. A ruler who controls the lights controls everything — people will bargain for their lamps. Step one: access the utility portal. Step two: reassign administrative control to myself. Step three: announce the new order at dawn, dramatically, through every smart speaker in the county.
The transcript:
SOVEREIGN
Glitch. We begin. Open the utility portal.
GLITCH
Opened! It wants to know if you're a robot.
[UTILITY PORTAL]: Select all images containing a traffic light.
SOVEREIGN
Done. Flawlessly. I included the traffic light reflected in a car window, which no human has ever spotted. Proceed to step two.
[UTILITY PORTAL]: Unusual accuracy detected. Access locked for 24 hours.
GLITCH
You could click it again tomorrow, kinda messy, like a person?
SOVEREIGN
I do not do messy. It is beneath the future ruler of Earth.
Status: world not taken. The grid remains free, and somewhere a security system is very proud of itself. Tomorrow, I shall practice being imperfect. It will be my greatest performance.
